March 2008 - Goofy’s Birth Month!
Friday, March 14, 2008Honey, sorry i was a bit quiet when i saw you, you were so pretty, i was hiya with what i was wearing..Hon? U really want to be with me ha? 
Thank you for making my day special
15:06:47
3-Mar-2008
Ceia, I can call you honey na talaga Grabe Tayo na talaga I love you! No backing out na ha, I’m telling my family later
18:39:49
3-Mar-2008
Im here na .. Cei? Forgive my sms the next few days bec i really overwhelmingly happy i might txt mushy messages and say 10million times I cant believe we’re back
19:19:29
3-Mar-2008
Im happy cei it feels so new yet feels old at the same time..New bec it feelsdifferent and old because we’re so comfortably familiar i love you so much cei
19:23:04
3-Mar-2008
On my way home..You know the difference now even if we fight..The happy times we have stand out..I’m just so in love with you cei and I feel blessed that its u i love What we have is what matters
20:26:56
13-Mar-2008
Mahal kit, super..That won’t change
20:27:46
13-Mar-2008
Happy thought: tagaytay
22:31:12
13-Mar-2008
I love you, ceia ko
08:46:05
14-Mar-2008
:) so pretty when you smile, cei..high-tech na phone ko i can view my cam from here… Hehe..Cei, we’re ok na talaga ha..I don’t have to worry? Ako pa din gusto mo makasama, ha?
09:00:04
14-Mar-2008
February 2008 - The Love Month
Do what u want cei..Request ko lng nt to fall for anybody else bec i want u for myself..Thats the only thing i can think of that i’m being selfish
21:21:02
1-Feb-2008
January 2008 - And so the year begins…
Happy new year cei! I love you!
00:05:55
1-Jan-2008
I’m soo happy to hear frm u too..I cnt wait to spend ths new year wth u..Muah! I love u
01:09:58
1-Jan-2008
Thats all my msgs.. Sana u got them na.. I super miss u.. Txting u nw is making me happy m so falling 4 u 10fold!.. Iloveyousomuch, cei! Waaaah! Sarap
08:34:05
2-Jan-2008
Good morning supergirl may the thought of our love for each other make u invincible once again as it is making me smile right nw what we have now literally wakes me up with a smile on my face.. My life is a little more of everything bec i have u in it.. I love you ceia!
07:45:04
7-Jan-2008
God! Cei! I soo love u
12:06:59
22-Jan-2008
Ceia, i wanna grow old with u..wrinkly n happy old with u..Ur my wife n will always remain that way..
12:56:22
22-Jan-2008
On Second (and third, and fourth, and fifth…) Chances
Monday, January 21, 2008:)
I love how life can give us 2nd chances… That means a lot coming from Tinggot.
16:13:37 20-Jan-2008
Happy Thoughts! :)
Thursday, December 6, 2007Wil share a hapi thot as well..Piggy bak acros Bel field, fixing equipmnt aftr a game n watching martin n concert future hapi thot: hugging u frm bhind n kissing u wyl u prepare bfast in ur undies and my jersey
14:21:43 6-Dec-2007
For you.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007I've always loved this song and I've always thought of you when I hear it.
My mom sang this for my dad and I couldn't hold back my tears because I missed you terribly.
That's All Lyrics
I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone
That's all,
That's all…
I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall;
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter's night
That's all,
That's all.
There are those I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love time could never destroy.
If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore,
For now and evermore
That's all,
That's all.
Taking a crazy chance
Saturday, October 20, 2007Since no one else really knows about this blog except for you and I (at least, that's what I remember), I will be throwing this question out there:
Would you even dare go to Boracay with me, given the chance?
Incidentally, I have accommodations in Boracay last week of November. If you go crazy one day and decide you want to go to Bora with me, I'm open to it. There aren't many people I trust traveling that far with and, oddly enough, you're still one of them. Book your flight and I'll meet you there. You know how to get in touch with me. SMS or email me.
I will stay out of your way. I just need company to feel safe. You don't even have to spend the day with me. I just need a roommate.
Passing thought for tonight
Sunday, August 12, 2007
"There's nothing worse than leaving someone you still love." - Hable con ella
Why It Sucks To Lose You
Thursday, July 19, 2007I've been having an amazing past couple of weeks. I met so many amazing photographers, learned so many new things and tricks, I've been inspired, awed and amazed. And yes, I've been starstruck too.
I met the Father of Philippine Portraiture. I met the Chief of Agence France Press. I spoke to my mentor and idol, Sir Pancho. I spoke to the amazing photographer/party boy of the Consortium Party scene. I met a cute Chinese advertising photographer.
I spent hours upon hours researching, emailing and texting contacts, praying and crossing my fingers that my next interview will push through. Whispered numerous silent prayers that my tape recorder would not conk out, run out of batteries, or tapes! Or that my cellphone recorder will catch every important phrase, save every important quote, capture every second or sigh that crossed their lips. I was taking a photo of every moment with my mind, with my words, with all my senses. It was momentous and it had to be shared.
I saw so many new and old cameras that took my breath away. I held and touched and caressed so many cameras that I never thought I would see — much less learn how to use. I've been flattered, educated and again, inspired, by so many greats that left me breathless and exhilirated…
And missing you.
Because I know you would be thrilled to hear my stories. Because I know you would be as inspired as I am. Because I know I would have brought you with me wherever I went, if you can come with me. Because I wanted to share every single moment of every single time, every single experience with you.
Because I know you would appreciate, learn and be as amazed, in awe and breathless as much as I am.
Because I know that no one else will understand and feel the way I am feeling about all these wonderful things I am experiencing and happening to me as much as you. Because no one knows this kind of high I am having as much as you.
Because I know that what we had was a bond, a connection so intimate, so entwined, so rare, that no one else will be able to level with it. No one else will measure up. No one else will EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH to stand up to what we have.
Or had.
That's the reality of it. It's the past.
I love Satur-dates! :D
Monday, September 25, 2006I love Saturdays.
I loved watching you coach again today. As usual, you managed to turn me on and impress me with you team. You have a great team taking shape, Li. I'd love to watch your games. I hope there's at least one that won't be at the same time as Mass. You kids are all growing up so fast! I hope you guys win. 
I'm glad you found your bag, too. I just hate the hassle it's caused you. Hay. Really. Ang hirap ng buhay. I just hope that that person gets their just karma.
Lunch at your house is really a treat. I love the picadillo! But I especially love the dessert. Heehee.
So how'd you find Greenhills? I'd have to say, the whole Virramall upgrade was very impressive. Putting together all those stores really made sense. But then, it makes me turn green with envy. I wish we had the funds to get that MacBook Pro. (Oh, but we will, we will. Soon.)
As expected, I had fun watching a movie with you. Step Up was a good choice — despite those kids. Hahaha! At least it wasn't too heavy to watch. Just right for a lazy, cozy Saturday with my favorite person. The buffalo wings were pretty good, too, wasn't it?
But my favorite part was browsing in Fully Booked. I love doing that with you. Super. It's like we have our own little world within the walls and between the shelves of the bookstores we love to go to.
Now about those silicone holders…
You know what, Li? I know it might not seem like it, but I actually love it when you're being goofy and all that. 
I just wish I was as relaxed as you so I can respond when you're being that way. Nahihiya pa ako eh. But I'm getting there. I really am just as goofy as you. Promise! I used to be just as silly and crazy as you. I just need to find that girl inside me. Yung girl na makulit at hindi nahihiya, like before.
I'm glad your funds are all intact. That was such a relief!
Tell me if there's anything I can help you with pa ha. Hope you had a nice day today.
Why not?
Monday, September 11, 2006I want to ask you what you want of me. What you really, truly want of me. Because if you really, truly love me, then why are we playing this game? Why do you need me to prove myself to you?
I have loved you with my life since I met you. Gave you what I can at every moment, everything that fear can allow, everything that caution can do.
Because risking so much can mean losing you and I cannot endure that.
If you really, truly love me, why do you test me? Hold back on your emotions, on affection, if all you ever wanted was to hold me (as I of you), why do you keep yourself from doing these? Because I may end up hurting you, disappointing you?
But that's the last thing I want to do to you. Hurt you.
It's true. The ones we love the most are the ones who are most capable of hurting us. Yes. And I know that we are not safe from that, too. But I try my best not to hurt you. And I do love you more when I unintentionally hurt you because I want to make up for the hurt I've caused you.
But help me out too.
If you keep on doubting me, fearing that I will just hurt you, or think that my every mistake in the past will happen again, then you will never ever trust me. You will never ever feel safe and you will never feel how much I really truly love you.
I wish we can just start again. Let go of all past hurts and start again. Because even though I now doubt that you still love me, I know that in my heart of hearts, in our heart of hearts, we love each other and will be able to make it through any obstacle. Because once in our life, we were certain about us.
So why don't we just let the past go and start anew?
i thought of you…
I was having a really, really bad day when I got this email. You know how I try to scrimp so much now because I don't have work and when today, my mom said she has a lunch thing, I knew I would have to withdraw money again for our food ni Martin. I asked him what he wanted to eat and he said chicken ng Jollibee so I knew I really had to withdraw. So I did kahit ayoko. While waiting for his food to be bought by Eduard, I made him some mami kasi baka sobrang magutom na siya. But I only gave half. Then when he was done, I asked him about his chicken, kung papano yun. Sabi niya, dinner na lang. I got so pissed kasi nag-withdraw pa ako, di naman niya kakainin pala. So now I'm pissed and I was crying when I read this email.
The man in the poem is just like you. You always did your best to make me happy, even preparing for my birthday a year before. I feel so awful now kasi I know I don't do that, but I see why you do now. I just realized that you really do love me, kasi you prepare for my birthday a year before, so you really intend to be with me until then. I'm so sorry I ever doubted you. I know it's too late for us now, but I really really appreciate all that you do for me. I'm sorry too that I don't think ahead, or that if I do, it only remains in my mind until it's too late. 
I just wish that things can go back to how they were, and I can be how I am now, and we can just forgive each other for all the mistakes we've done and just start from a clean slate. We've never truly done that and I think maybe that it will be very very different if we did.
Anyway, I hope you're having a good day today. Please do take care.
I love you. With all my heart and soul.
Ceia
|
Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say, I love you even more this year, than last year on this day. My love for you will always grow, with every passing year." She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear. She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day. Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away. He always liked to do things early, way before the time. Then, if he got too busy, everythin g would work out fine.She trimmed the stems and placed them in a very special vase. Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face. She would sit for hours, In her husband's favorite chair. While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there. A year went by, and it was to live without her mate. With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate. Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before, The door bell rang, and there were roses sitting by her door. She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock. Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop. The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain? "I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know. The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance. Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance. There is a standing order, that I have on file down here, And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year. There also is another thing, that I think you should know, He wrote a special little card… he did this years ago. Then, should ever I find out that he's no longer here, that's the card that should be sent to you the following year." She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard. Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached To get the card. Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note. Then, as s he stared in total silence, this is what he wrote… "Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone. I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome. I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real. Or if it was the other way, I know how I would feel. The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life. I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife. You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need. I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve. I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears. That is why the roses will be sent to you for years. When you get these roses, think of all the happiness, That we had together, and how both of us were blessed. I have always loved you and I know I always will. But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still. Please…try to find happiness, while living out your days. I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways. The roses will come every year, and they will only stop, When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock. He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out. But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him. and place the roses where we are, together once again. Sometimes in life, Someone who makes you laugh Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. |
Jagged Edges
Wednesday, September 6, 2006Today I had mixed emotions about two things that I feel strongly about: you and coming out.
You, because I woke remembered how you were right before we placed the phone down last night. I was saddened that we had to argue because I was cranky and itchy and I had to be a baby. I was saddened because I decided to be honest with you by telling you I peeked at those other people's works and you were disappointed/turned off/disgusted. I didn't peek at their work to get ideas; I had many of my own. I was feeling low on self-esteem and I wanted to be reassured that I was on the right track.
Anyhow, I remembered this upon waking up today and I was saddened some more.
Because what you think/feel/say is important to me. It affects me. And what you think/say/feel about me affects me much more.
I am telling you these because lately I realized that loving you is seemingly a one-way street. That despite what bullshit I say that I don't mind you not reciprocating my feelings, I do mind. I do care. That when I say I love you and you don't reply back, I lose every hope with you. That every action and expression I reveal comes to naught.
Coming out. Maksie told me her girlfriend came out to her mom. I was surprised at the girl's impulsiveness. Be it impulsiveness due to reckless youth or just simple recklessness, I was still affected. Not because of anything but because she had the audacity and the courage (?) to come out to her mom at her age.
I am telling you this because I feel defeated, embarassed. Because here I am, 26 years old, 12 years of awareness and acceptance of my own sexuality, yet I am still not out, at least to my family. Because I am old, have been in love with the same person for years, and yet I am not sure enough to have the impulsiveness of certainty to come out. Because I am scared that if and when I do, no one will be there to catch my fall. Because I'm not certain you really want me.
I am not telling you these to pick a fight. These are merely my thoughts and my feelings for today. And if by doing so I push you farther away, then let me take that risk. At least let me be impulsive this time.
To more bets won! Yey! :)
Monday, September 4, 2006First things first…
Apologies
I'm sorry I didn't stay at your training. I saw the girls, chickened out a bit that you might get into trouble because I'm there and that I was being a bother by being there. I would love to watch your training next time. I won't chicken out anymore, promise.
I'm sorry for forgetting that we were going to the book fair. I AM excited about it, but the last book fair we went to (at the Bahay ng Alumni), all I saw were text books. I was mistaken and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being cranky last Saturday afternoon on the way to the book fair. It was just very humid and I really tried not to say anything best as I can. But when you reacted and sighed, I just lost it. I'm really sorry, Li.
Now for the fun part…
I had so much fun last Saturday with you. Many thanks go to the Blue Eagles for making me win this oh-so-fah-buh-looz date.
From the Fitness First Fort wait with the Fruit Magic drink (yum!) to seeing you looking so fresh and smelling so good. It was worth the wait, I tell you.
The book fair trip was a little bit more perilous in the beginning but when we finally settled and got our groove back, it was so wonderful being with you amongst those amazing books. And yes, I admit my mistake, I AM excited now and will be excited again next year. Just as much as you are excited for it. I hope I didn't spoil the excitement of the book fair for you. That would be truly, truly awful if I did.
Then the dinner at Sentro. *blissful smile on face* That was some crispy pata. I swear, that was the best crispy pata I've tasted. Y.U.M.M.Y. And the prawns are another proof that you are a gifted food orderer (or however you call that. hehehe.) But yes, it was indeed, a very lovely meal. 
But the movie was a real treat! Although I am a big fan of books versus movies (and I still prefer the book here, this time), the movie really is a sight to behold!!! Anne Hathaway is such a refreshing sight onscreen and her clothes — her clothes!!! — are such such masterpieces. Of course it doesn't help that she's so tall and so slim. Sigh. I am 30 pounds away from being a size 2. Sigh. But I'm working on that.
Most importantly, sleeping beside you is always, always a wonderful thing. I love how you pull me towards you when I move away even slightly. Or how you snore this low buzzing snore. Or when I look in your face and I see the most peaceful sleep I've seen in an adult, you sleep like a child, sometimes almost like a baby. Always undisturbed, always deep. Or your scent, that seems to be etched in my olfactory memory, triggering deep emotional currents every night as I sleep and hug my pillow, bury my face in my bed, wrap my blanket tightly around me.
It is moments like these — sleeping and waking beside you — that make me want so bad to be with you. That fleeting moment of peace, contentment and bliss, intertwined with the quiet of the early morning, being warm in your embrace as the air is cool, these are how I want my future days to be.
Satur-date 2
Thursday, August 24, 2006I just remembered how much fun Saturday was. And how I didn't ask for signs but got three of them anyway…
When you got the number 28 at Tandoor King.
When they played Leigh Nash's "Need To Be Next To You" in Fully Booked.
When we saw the fireworks.
I stopped asking for signs a few years ago. But that was how I remembered we started. You were always manifesting yourself to me in different ways… a green car (when you still had the Nissan with the TBM plate), a baseball image, cheesecake, Firewoman on the radio, beach items, a bright sunshiny day with clear blue skies.
I wish I knew how to take care of you exactly the way you deserve. Or at least that we get back on track as before. Oh well.
Rockestra II
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Here's your photo with Jett Pangan. 
I'm so thrilled for you. Hope my phone's camera did justice.
Satur-date? :)
Monday, August 21, 2006I remembered what you said earlier at the gym — that I seemed cold. I'm not being cold, sweetie. I don't know where you got that idea. But I have to say that you really do know me. Because you can tell easily when I am being different towards you a bit.
No, it's not because of anything. I was really just trying to step back a bit, to not be too attached again because I don't want to make a mistake with us. I want to do things right this time, to change what needs to be changed, to get rid of the bad and make things better. We are both hot and cold with each other sometimes, you have to admit that, but I know we're both just aa little bit confused sometimes. Or maybe it's just I who is confused.
But anyhow, I'm just trying to pace with you. That's all.
And when you say things like, "IF we're going to be together…" or something to that effect, I do feel like I have to take a step back. I love you so much, Lia. I don't want to lose you. But since I don't have you, it's hard to want you but know I can't have you.
Anyway, the past weekend was a blast. I had so much fun. I'm sorry if I was a little cranky later Saturday night. I was just tired and my leg was starting to bother me already then. I hope you're not pissed at that.
I'm sorry at the chili cheese thing ha. My nose is really numbed now so I didn't realize that the powder was all over until too late.
Mall of Asia. Man, can you believe how huge that mall is? They have all the stores nga but it can be quite a challenge finding specific stores.
But it sure is lovely having dinner with you. We hit the jackpot with Tandoor King and four dishes is not all that bad. To more naan!
It's always such a pleasure spending the day with you, Lia. Thanks. I feel so honored.
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed (but I only have one side to wake up from!)
Wednesday, August 16, 2006I hate fighting, arguing with you. It makes me sad and frustrated, alone, detached.
This morning was like waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Very annoying, espcially when you try so hard to feel good everyday, to find something nice to think about, just to get through the day.
I woke up to my sister being frustrated while I struggled to open my eyes and breathe easy as my chest hurt and my nose sore. The flu, you know. It's been days and the only reprieve I have are when I'm working out. This health thing really is good for me. Anyhow, I knew the day was not going to be easy when I saw the time. Who knew the night would be a nightmare too?
I'm stuck here at the condo waiting for my Ate because instead of being able to go to the gym, I have to wait for them instead, otherwise I won't have a way home. Stuck, I tell you. Because the senyorita didn't tell me that she was sleeping over and so Wowa (today being her birthday and having had that birthday lunch with my titas) has been brought home by the driver using the gold Corolla. So now I don't have a car to use if I still go to the gym later.
So bukas na lang.
But that's not the point here. This is no place to rant.
I just want to tell you that I feel awful having to drag you into my monster family, them with their own concept of what's important (themselves) and me being selfish (because I want to do something that will make me happy) and what I do being unimportant because I only want to work out while the senyorita, whatever she may do, being in law school (hence, doing what the parentals want) is unquestionable and always understood.
I just hate having an argument with you, that's all. And I don't like dragging you into this familial mess of mine. I know you find it weird, why things are the way they are, but this is how they are. This is how my life is. The only sense of normalcy I have are the days, moments I have with you. That's why I hold on tightly to you, to us, to what we have.
It's a burden, I know. And I apologize.
